For Real?
It’s been happening a lot more than usual lately, and it’s been happening a whole lot in the past couple of days: it’s this thing where I have to stop and actually make sure what’s happening is really happening. To make sure it’s real, this is all real. “Really?”
This “reality check” of sorts started when the whole Ticker story started. I just couldn’t believe how sick I was. And then it would happen every so often since then. But lately, wow. It’s an eerie feeling, like I’m watching someone play me in a movie and I am not even here anymore. I think this is how I got through the really tough times, when I couldn’t even move and I was scared I might die, I detatched — but now that my head is syncing up with my body once again there is opportunity for a lot of feelings to rear their head.
I am overwhelmed. I am so overwhelmed I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. I find myself not knowing how to even “stand” when I feel like this. I just pace and can’t sit still. I am also exhausted. I am feeling completely entirely exhausted. Burnt. Spent. Dunzo.
Staring at the calendar today, I avoid letting it sink in. I am dreading next week. October 16th, just staring at me. It was one year ago on that exact day my life completely changed. I went to an ER thinking I had bronchitis and was told my heart was only pumping at 15%! My old life came to an end and I started a new one. I was reborn in January once my Ticker started going again, and it’s been quite a ride. Yes, I like to keep it positive here because well, generally I am. I truly know I will be “ok”… I have to be… but I’m not gonna lie: a year into this and the journey is wearing on me. In a big way. There is just SO MUCH EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s so much. There is still so much to be done as well. I have only just gotten started on solving my mystery, on becoming a whole healthy person again. I went to a doc today who I believe will help me. She is East meets West thinking, an Integrative Medicine doc who knows her shit. I trust her, and she agrees, there is a lot to be done. Dr. Y is one of the few people in Manhattan who specializes in treating patients with stomach problems like mine. I am going to have to be very patient because it will take time, but I hope we can get this back on track. My body (especially my poor tummy) is so wrecked. I feel sad for it. It’s trying so hard and it’s been damaged by medicine, chemicals, trauma. I almost cried leaving the office today. Actually, I cried in the cab. It made me wonder how many times cabbies see random crying in the backs of their cabs. Or even people sobbing into phones (I’ve done that before, too).
There is just so MUCH. I’m gonna go scream into a pillow now.
3 years ago • Notes