A Healthy Dose of Denial
After several concerned emails I wanted to write and say that yes, I am ok and thank you for all the love!
I have taken a brief hiatus because every so often I need a break from talking about things like heart failure, mitral valve prolapse, autoimmune disease, pacemakers, defibrillators, doctors, hospitals, scleroderma and medical problems on the daily.
Sometimes I convince myself that if I don’t talk about it then the problem simply doesn’t exist anymore! Wishful thinking, I guess. And it isn’t just the writing I’ve been avoiding lately… I have yet to follow up with any of the docs who are currently reviewing DVDs of my most recent heart tests. I’m not saying I want to live in what therapists would most likely call denial, but a short trip there every once in a while isn’t so bad for the psyche. Every so often I have to remind myself that I am not in medical school and I can read things that do not include “heal yourself” books and heart research in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Today I could talk about how I have been retaining more fluid than usual (since my heart does not pump strong enough I am on a quest to find a delicate balance of sodium in my life). I could talk about how I wake up choking in the middle of the night if I do not lie on two pillows because of the fluid traffic jam, or the pills that I have to take to flush the fluid out of my body… how they drain me and keep me running to pee every five minutes. I could also spend an entire post on how nervous it makes me to wonder why I’m retaining fluid and the bigger badder question: is my heart getting “worse”?
But, I’d much rather focus on the good things happening. I am feeling generally great and I can walk all over the city from appointment to appointment which is what I did yesterday. I’m taking the subway regularly for the first time in three years!
Major progress and much more fun to write about…
1 year ago • Notes