How to live in two worlds?
The past couple of days brought a much needed break from all things health related. I was invited to cover an event for a design blog for which I am a contributor (Yatzer). I packed my bags and set out on a trip to Philadelphia, and I prayed that nothing happened to my heart while I was gone. Sure, I was scared. It was only two weeks ago that I was in the hospital. But I refuse to let this take control and define my life and I was excited to do something”normal” for a change. I got to prove to myself that I can do things on my own. It felt so good to get over my fears and just go for it.
Now I’m back and it’s so strange. Back to my life where health is a reality. Where decisions that include open heart surgery, heart transplants, valve repairs and replacements are a part of my every day conversation. I thought I was confident in my decision to go ahead with open heart surgery but now I’m not so sure…
Last week I saw a surgeon for a third opinion. I spent three hours in his office and he was incredibly honest and I just don’t like my odds going into this. They can’t promise I’ll feel better, they can’t promise they will be able to fix the valve once I am opened up, they can’t promise that nothing bad will happen during surgery since my heart is so weak… My greatest fears are rooted in real possibilities. What if this one surgery sets off a chain reaction where I am in and out of the hospital until the end result (a transplant) is finally achieved, yet, only faster due to the strain put on my heart… Well, I don’t want a heart transplant! I am not ready for one. And the possibility that surgery could bring that closer is just too terrifying for me. It’s so hard to sit in all of the doctors offices and hear them say that this only going in the direction of a transplant and anything we can do to prolong it is just borrowed time. It still never seems real to me. I just don’t believe it.
I’m so confused. I wish my brain was still on vacation.
And so I struggle to live in between two worlds. One in which I am a heart patient with very real decisions to make. Where I have to be cautious and careful, where I have to take excellent care of myself. Where pills, and vitamins, and trips to the doctor are par for the course. And then there’s my other side. The side that longs to get on with living her life. Where I get to be among people that don’t see me as a fragile patient because they know nothing of what I’ve been through the past three years.
My therapist says I’m in denial when I do things like try and live like everyone else –”healthy” people.. That this isn’t accepting my situation (acceptance, that word haunts me). But why can’t I be both? I am very aware of my situation (I don’t run away from it that’s for sure), but I’d also like to me ME. To have a chance to be Lauren, weak leaky heart and all. I am so many different things, heart patient is only one of them.
1 year ago • 6 notes
